Contender Chronicles Week 3 Power Rankings
My written media team is insane- Gabe
With the Austin Major on the horizon and the tension building across the Contender tier, we decided to shift gears this week and have a little fun. Instead of the usual cold analysis and dry rankings, we’re going full throttle into chaos; matching each of the 22 teams with a unique theme. From fast food and seafood to NASCAR and beyond, no concept was off-limits and no team was safe. This is part tribute, part roast, and all entertainment. Don’t take it too seriously… unless we nailed your team’s vibe perfectly. Buckle up, Contender fans, it’s time for the most ridiculous, off-the-wall Contender Chronicles yet.
Biscuit: Popcorn – good snack, but always wishing for just a little more of something. Always need a drink to wash it down.
Greg: Kyle Busch (Good in previous seasons, but needs to retire now while they have a little dignity left)
Peebs: Abalone (Super tough, taste is okay. Would rather not eat it, given other options.)
Cagey: Chi-chi’s (A once popular chain that has since been shut down).
#21
Biscuit: Peanuts – good snack to mellow out the grumblies, but otherwise unmemorable (possible they get honey roasted or candied and make themselves known)
Greg: Zane Smith (I feel like I should know who they are but I just don’t. Forgettable performances)
Peebs: Octopus (Doesn’t really taste like much and is extremely tough.)
Cagey: Auntie Anne’s (they used to be big time when they had riko and krel and now they have lost all of their aura much like Auntie Anne’s has suffered as malls started closing)
Biscuit: Shrimp Cocktail – classy (like their games so far), but nothing spectacular.
Greg: Ricky Stenhouse Jr. (Not good, but not bad either. Waiting by the hauler to fight you in cargo shorts)
Peebs: Catfish (Tastes like how mud feels. Relies on breading and sauce to be good.)
Cagey: Noodles and Company (for obvious reasons)
Biscuit: Bread and Olive Oil – classic but bland, needs some spice!
Greg: NASCAR on Fox (I guess it’s ok, but I’d rather watch something else)
Peebs: Tilapia (Cheap and filling. Not much flavor-wise, but nothing really bad about it.)
Cagey: Quiznos (Just kinda there, maybe you get a decent sub from there every once in a while if there’s not a lot of other options)
Biscuit: Charcuterie Board – several components, just leaving the competition wanting more. Pairs well with a fine wine, just need to find the perfect fit.
Greg: Bubba Wallace (Sponsored by an online gambling site)
Peebs: Eel (Weird. Kind of tough, flavor isn’t unpleasant but is strange.)
Cagey: KFC (Was once the king of fried chicken, now just decent)
Biscuit: Breadsticks – lovely starter when done right, but always leaves you wanting the main course.
Greg: Ty Gibbs (Been around a long time, no results. Some promising finishes recently however)
Peebs: Anchovies (Taste decent if processed properly. Taste awful if not.)
Cagey: Sonic (not the greatest but great vibes and brings something cool to the table)
Biscuit: French Onion Dip and Classic Potato Chips – Classic flavor (Cagey), but leaves you wanting something to pair with it.
Greg: Legacy Motor Club (Doing better than expected, but not good enough to be a threat to most top teams yet. GM’d/Led by a multi-time champion oldtimer.)
Peebs: Scallop (Overrated beyond all belief. Has a weird nutty flavor that goes well with butter. Just not for me.)
Cagey: Little Caesars (you either love it or you hate it)
Biscuit: Crab Dip – dangerous depending on where you get it, occasionally good.
Greg: Riley Herbst (Having a not so great rookie year, but managing to stay out of the spotlight at least)
Peebs: Seaweed (I guess it’s a seafood? Versatile, savory, and salty.)
Cagey: Arbys (There’s someone out there who is a huge Arby’s fan, I’m sure)
Biscuit: Chips and Salsa - classic, consistent. When fresh out of the oil, they are dangerously good.
Greg: Chase Elliot (Puts together consistent performances but never quite at the top. Why is he so popular???)
Peebs: Fish eggs (You can sprinkle them on a lot of things. Tastes decent, good pop.)
Cagey: Culvers (Much like OS, this chain has been around forever and is very consistent)
Biscuit: Pepperoni Bread – great when hot, needs marina to get across the line
Greg: Carl Edwards (Powerful team on paper, but something always happens to keep them from winning. Someone on this team, please do a backflip when you win).
Peebs: Oyster (They taste okay, I guess. Other shellfish taste better, but slurping shucked oysters is more about the experience I think.)
Cagey: Dairy Queen (DQ had their staple “the blizzards” much like AG has their staple in HomeyedBiscuit. The rest of their menus just can’t live up to the hype)
Biscuit: Mini Corn Dogs – delicious. Capable of greatness, but needs a showstopper sauce to push to higher heights.
Greg: Ryan Preece (Good performances but not enough to be in the top 10, I feel like we’ll see them have a late season run)
Peebs: Sea urchin (SUPER flavorful, but inconvenient to process and hard to use in many dishes.)
Cagey: White Castle (Not crazy popular, but not bad either)
Biscuit: Crab Rangoon – Cream cheese mixed with crab in cool little triangles or bundles? Close to pushing to be a top snack contender.
Greg: Carson Hocevar (On the verge of being super good, but not quite there yet. UPS wants to fight them next matchday.)
Peebs: Trout (Tasty.)
Cagey: Sbarro (Not horrible but not ran greatly either)
Biscuit:Bacon Wrapped Cheeseburger bites – idk, just needed something with beef. Sound absolutely exquisite
Greg: 2014 Brad Keselowski (High hopes and a good start, should be doing a lot better than they are. Likely to wreck someone’s championship hopes even if they don't win themselves)
Peebs: Mussels (Slightly more meat than clams, but they taste slightly more… lakey? If that makes sense?)
Cagey: Hardees/Carl’s Jr (Fast food chain with multiple names just like the multiple Ben names on COW)
Biscuit: Bacon wrapped Stuffed Jalapenos Poppers – Pop off on Tuesdays and savory for Thursdays.
Greg: Joey Logano (Nothing more reliable than Joey winning in even years, or FRG winning on Tuesdays. The guy everyone loves to hate)
Peebs: Albacore (Like tuna, but more white-meaty.)
Cagey: Pizza Hut (Just like how nobody “outpizza’s the hut”, nobody beats the Frogs on Tuesdays)
Biscuit: Potato skins – crispy exterior filled with all the goodies. With all components partitioned out perfectly, absolutely delectable. Could be poorly done, when too much potato.
Greg: Kyle Larson (Checkers or wreckers, super good but inconsistent)
Peebs: Lobster (Easier to process than crab, but more expensive and less flavor)
Cagey: Panera (Could be great food or could be awful food, just like WIZ’s gameplay so far this season)
Biscuit: Loaded Nachos - exquisite on their day, soggy if not done right. Luckily fresh with many options (for fragging).
Greg: Ross Chastain (Aggressive and versatile style, ruffles a few feathers, has the wins and close finishes to back it up. Also I’m biased cause they’re my favorite.)
Peebs: Mackerel (Seen as a trash fish, but when roasted at an extremely high heat the oils render out and it’s super delicious. Only real use for it though.)
Cagey: Five Guys (Amazing food but gotta think about the price point, makes it a place that some absolutely love, but not for everyone)
Editor’s Note: TEE is 3-1
Biscuit: Fried Pickle Spears – classic salty goodness, paired with spicy mayo to put you in a place of comfort
Greg: Tyler Reddick (Running up top with the big boys, but just lacking something to make them a real contender. Also their boss likes to golf.)
Peebs: Clams (Wish there was more meat per clam, but that’s my only complaint.)
Cagey: Chipotle (Was the greatest in the world at one point in time (WET), but ran into some problems and has fallen from that position. Still not bad though)
Biscuit: Buffalo Chicken Dip – spicy start with a creamy finish.
Greg: Hendrick Motorsports (Overly vanilla corporate feel, super good and consistently winning)
Peebs: Crab (delicious, but hard to prepare and process.)
Cagey: Subway (World-wide! Known everywhere and always ready to go)
Biscuit: German Soft Pretzel Sticks w/ Beer Cheese - distinguished (JachPot System), that somehow hits the spot.
Greg: Shane Van Gisbergen at Mexico City (Winning by huge margins)
Peebs: Salmon (I think salmon is overrated. Still a very good fish meat.)
Cagey: Wendys (Great food and a great organization but they’re a little “wild” and unconventional)
Biscuit: Egg Rolls - simple concept with exquisite flavor
Greg: William Byron (Consistently winning, quiet about it and can easily be favored in any match)
Peebs: Cod (Really good, versatile.)
Cagey: Chick-fil-a (An absolute staple and one of the best. Kind of has a cult-like following at times)
Biscuit:Mozz Sticks - classic and always good, always what you expect.
Greg: 2006-2010 Jimmie Johnson (Winning everything, cannot be stopped.)
Peebs: Tuna (Best tasting fish but not versatile.)
Cagey: McDonalds (Greatness exemplified, showing up consistently day in and day out, producing some of the best results)
Biscuit: Buffalo Wings - spicy and the perfect start to a night paired with a refreshing adult beverage. Don’t need anything else, an all time app/snack.
Greg: Denny Hamlin (“I beat your favorite driver, folks…All of ‘em.”)
Peebs: Shrimp (Hard to mess shrimp up, delicious, goes into many meals.)
Cagey: Taco Bell (Absolutely spectacular food/talent. May miss from time to time but when they’re bringing their A game, they can’t be touched)
And there you have it: 22 teams, themes, and a whole lot of questionable metaphors. Whether your squad got compared to deep-fried shrimp or a mid-tier fast food chain, just remember it’s all love. With the Austin Major fast approaching, the real action is just getting started, and next week we’ll be back to the usual programming. Big thanks to everyone who rolled with the madness and to the teams for giving us the personality and flavor to pull this off. Until then, stay safe, touch some grass, and keep the vibes up Contender.